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You Made This Bed, Cat

If Tiger Woods’ microprocessor is telling that cyborg to be angry… It’s normally because he just rinsed another tee shot or somebody snapped his picture.

This time it’s because somebody slammed him into some satire. Golf Digest ran a mock interview with Tiger Woods, which they labeled as “fake” both on their cover and in the headline. It’s like a Q & A from the Onion, complete with Elin divorce settlement smack, sex scandal resets, and the fact that he’s one of the world’s worst tippers: All of Eldrick’s greatest hits.

It’s a comedy piece, about the least amusing athlete on the planet. And big shock… Big Tige didn’t get the joke. So he jumped on Derek Jeter’s website, and dropped a rambling whiny retort calling the article a grudge-fueled character assassination.

First of all, Cat… Did you even read it? It’s by far the most interesting interview you’ve ever done. You should ask Golf Digest to ghost-write all your interviews for you. Maybe people will actually like you again.

He also couldn’t believe they hired an actor to pose for pictures as Tiger. I can’t believe they had to. You don’t need an actor to play Tiger. Just put a Nike hat on a pine tree and it’ll have the same personality.

What happened to this guy? Wasn’t he supposed to be the alleged toughest athlete ever, mentally? Doubt it. Not if he’s falling apart over a parody column written in Golf Digest.

A column, by the way, that no one would have ever even known about had you not freaked out over it. Exactly what were you hoping to get out of this temper tantrum, E? Did you think the world was going to come rushing to your defense because an 84 year old man put you in a clown suit? Are you looking to get this same iconic scribe fired? And was Jenkins coming for you because you wouldn’t grant him an interview or any real access over the years? Maybe. Possibly.

But are you really surprised that after all those years of treating so many people like garbage when you were killing it that those same people would be looking to carve you in the twilight of your career? Wake up.

Treat everyone like garbage when things are going well, of course, they won’t have your back when you’re no longer killing it and access to you no longer means anything.

Oh, and if you don’t like people clowning you for being a horrible tipper and bore, don’t be a horrible tipper and a bore. You made this bed, cat, go ahead and lie in it. Stop being so sensitive, and tip someone out for once. Anyone.

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