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The Great Mump Scare Of 2014

Hockey Toughness has finally met its match – MUMPS.

The NHL has encountered something its warriors can’t play through… And it’s a 19th century virus. Multiple teams have players getting all Mumped up. And that’s just jacked up.

I thought Mumps went away in America right around the time we stopped depending on the wagon wheel. It’s the kind of thing that kills one of your family members on “Oregon Trail.”

And yet it’s still keeping NHLers off the ice, which is almost impossible to do. Ranger Kevin Klein kept playing after half his ear was cut off. Some of these dudes would play with their HEAD cut off. But they’re getting boarded by the great Mump Scare of 2014.

And the worst part is – they may be moving the mumps during the games. Some experts suggest that it may be spreading because of the hitting, the battling in front of the net, and the fighting. We’re gonna see two dudes drop gloves and refuse to punch each other because they don’t’ want to Mump each other.

And I can’t blame them. If you knew that your co-worker was Team Mump, you wouldn’t show up at the office.

What’s next – MLBers spreading measles and NASCAR battling Hookworm? The Cleveland Browns letting half their team get Staph can’t believe NHL players are getting Mumps. And I can’t believe they still exist.

Wash your hands, rock shower shoes and stick to fist bumps fellas. Because when the playoffs come around, nobody wants to hear that The Kings and Blackhawks are coming down with Scarlet Fever and Smallpox.