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Kyrie Piles On C-Town

Oh, and Cleveland, if watching your baseball team blow a 2-0 series lead and get bounced after losing three straight to the Yankees wasn’t bad enough, here comes a former Cleveland star to dump a truckload of salt into your wounds.

Actually, Kyrie Irving’s comments had absolutely nothing to do with baseball and everything to do with your city. You see, Kyrie is in Boston now and he really wants you to know that he enjoys it.

He said yesterday: “Boston, I’m driving in and [thinking], ‘I’m really playing in a real, live sports city?”

Bam! How’s that taste, C-Town. You’re not a real, live sports city. I haven’t heard someone trash Cleveland like that since J Noah was torching the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

But the difference is, Kyrie isn’t some guy from another team or just some knucklehead Boston fan mocking you. He’s the guy who helped bring a title to your city. And now he’s dumping on it.

Oh, and it’s just about sports, it’s about everything. The Boston Globe quoted him as saying, “It’s exciting to be back on the East Coast. It’s fast-paced. A lot of different cultures, food, and people. You get it all, especially in Boston. I was talking to my best friend the other day: It’s a really major city. Coming from Cleveland, the Midwest, where the culture is different. And then you move to the East Coast — into Boston — and it’s so real [and] alive. An ongoing, thriving city. Consistently. No matter what hour throughout the night.”

Let’s break down that series of jabs and insults shall we? Boston is “exciting”and “fast-paced,” which would insinuate that Cleveland is neither. Boston has a variety of cultures, food, and people, which would again, indicate that C-town comes up short in those categories. Translation: Cleveland is boring and slow-paced, with little diversity, nothing to eat and nowhere to go.

But Kyrie’s not done. He wants you to know that he was talking to his best friend the other day and was pointing out that Boston is “really a major city,”which would again suggest that Cleveland is not.

How’s that feel, Cleveland? Your baseball team gets knocked out and now Kyrie’s carving you by saying you’re not a major city. He’s this close to glossing you the Mistake by the Lake and reminding you all that your river caught on fire.

And then he gets to the real hammer blow. “And then you move to the East Coast — into Boston — and it’s so real [and] alive. An ongoing, thriving city.” Freaking hell. He just drilled you right between the eyes, C-town. How are you going to pick your teeth up off the canvas after that one?

A non-thriving city blast? Why don’t you just say everyone who lives in Cleveland is ugly?

I’m not sure what’s worse, Kyrie wrecking that city like that or the city just taking it? Cleveland, are you really going to let this happen? Pick your sports analogy, he’s doing it to you: landing one haymaker after another, and you’re defenseless. He’s going behind the back, off the backboard, and just dunking on your head. He’s going all Didi Gregorius on your ass.

And yes, I know it’s kind of weird for Kyrie to be teeing off like this. We get it. You wanted out of Cleveland and now you’re out of Cleveland and can’t wait to tell everyone how great life is when you’re not living in Cleveland.

And normally, in a situation like this, I’d suggest he dial it back a little because he should be better than this, but I won’t be doing that this time. First off, all this salt and pettiness is awesome. And secondly, he’s going back to the boring, slow-paced, non-major, non-thriving city of Cleveland on Tuesday for the season opener. And when I think about that, I think about two words from Bartholomew Edward Scott, CAN’T WAIT.

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